Peaceful

Dearest Lilah -

We've been by ourselves this week while your Daddy is working out of town. You spend a lot of time with him when he's home, so I was concerned you'd get tired of me, me, and more me during his absence. Luckily, you are giving me the benefit of the doubt and - aside from your newly craptastic sleeping habits - are being a total angel.

We had a busy day today, one that resulted in my surely winning a nomination if not a win for the "Crappiest Mother of the Year" award. We went shopping in two stores (your mommy is now ever the bargain hunter and scours all the circulars for what she needs) and the bookstore. At the bookstore, you lost your right sock and a kind gentlemen found it and returned it. At BiLo, you lost your left sock...and it is never to be seen by us again. So my first nomination comes from letting you spend the rest of the day sockless.

It never ceases to amaze me how much attention you draw when we are out together. When you walk around with your Daddy, he draws attention with, "Oh, pretty baby, good Daddy." When you're with me, you get the crazy attention. Everyone wants to touch you, like you're a religious icon. I guess, though, that makes sense...babies are the sweetest, most innocent creatures on earth, and it's easy to think that you have most recently been touched by God. I can see why someone would want to be near that, to touch it, if just for a second. It's like touching the hem of Christ's gown; not the man himself but something that has touched him, and that's good enough somehow to feel blessed.

And so when a nice, older woman came up to me at Wal-Mart and asked how old you were, I could totally understand her interest. However, I do have to worry about germs. So when she started to reach for your face in your carrier - to pull it down to see your face - I froze. Strange woman reaching her in-need-of-a-manicured finger towards my baby's mouth = stand with face of horror. I didn't KNOW at first that she was just going to pull down your carrier...she kept asking what you were chewing on. I said, "She's cutting teeth. She's just trying to get some teeth." I was trying to block her with my shoulder, but she just kept coming. She eventually just walked off. But she wasn't the only one in the store who was enchanted by you. One gentleman remarked that perhaps you were tired of being worn around since you had spent nine months that way. Another lady squeaked with delight both times she saw you in the store and finally asked about you. She wondered off with her male companion, and I overheard her say, "OoooooIwantabaaaaaaaaaaaaabyyyyy!" To which he replied, "Do you want me to get you pregnant?" She had a very strong negative response, but I couldn't help but laugh. You are it. You are the crack baby of the neighborhood.

It's your eyes. No one can resist your big, blue eyes. I should know...I fell for a set just like them 5.5 years ago.

So, after our big day of shopping and enchanting, I brought you home, where you fussed a little towards 6:00. I knew you were sleepy; you didn't take a nap ALL DAY. So I gave you your bath (you stay so quiet during baths. It's kind of sad in a way) and didn't get a smile from you until I broke out the "Baby Massage" song. I got you dressed and fed but you were still fussy. I put you on my shoulder to burp you and you got so still, so quiet, so limp. You turned your head towards me and smiled. Your eyes were so tired - open but still. Your little mouth hung open and I could feel your soft little breaths on my face. I smiled at you and the corners of your mouth ever so slightly crinkled upward. Not a blink. Not a movement. I touched your face and you closed your eyes and fell into that happy place where your body grows and restores and processes everything you've learned for the day.

You were so peaceful.

And so, dear baby, at that moment I realized that when I die, I would like it to go just like that. Quiet contentment on my face as I close my eyes and fall into that happy place...

Love,
Mommy